Introspection

A lot of things I like, sound depressing. Wandering around town listening to one of my favorite cds, unplugged jayz in particular, while looking at people or staring into the evening lights.
Playing video games until 5 am and not being able to get into regular sleep patterns for a few days. Drawing a picture of a flower or some deformed doll.
I like to go to movies by myself, I’ll even get a table for one

But it just sounds depressing. So I’m trying to do things that don’t sound depressing, and that actually is depressing.

I know I’m better off doing Sheridan things, as lame as they are. Why would I give passions I have for passions other people have? I think the problem is that some of my passions, like helping people aren’t very easy to realize. If my passion was beer, that’d be really easy to realize. Deeper passions require deeper digging.

—- I can’t tell if valleys are making me stronger or weaker. I’m not sure if the fact that I knew what I was getting into makes me feel any better about it. I don’t know what will happen to make things change. I want to grow, but I want to grow upwards, not backwards and when its so cloudy I can’t tell where this journey has taken me.

My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but
tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward,
and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.
– Kodos gives a speech, “Treehouse of Horror VII”

Successful days on my own without breaking down… apx two weeks. and no longer counting.

I am doing great? I’ve had some accomplishments! I’m making progress at work, i can be friendly in various situations, I’ve cooked decent and cheap meals, bought and built sweet lookin solid metal/glass furniture. Umm oh and i got a bed and made a square frame with three pieces and didn’t even use one of them! Although that took me a day to figure out.

It feels really empty, like all these efforts crash down. I am doing very ordinary things. And they are for my own slight benefit. What overall difference is there between being a slob or a good bachelor? I think the output of my life would be pretty much the same if i just stayed home and did nothing. Any points I get are on the normal scale, and to me that scale is pretty useless. I’ve heard people’s goals to grow up, have a nice household with as few problems as possible and enjoy life. This to me is a waste. A purely normal life will get rounded down to zero. I hate the normal life because i want to be extranormal. (If i used the word, ordinary, my point would have been more smooth.)

I call my mom, write a facebook message and fire off a txt. This is the fruitful part of my week? So many things are drying up, i expected to talk to hometown-ers less but even internet-ers are distancing. I am an island?

I used to do my ‘ready for death’ checks to see if i needed to accomplish a goal, mend a relationship, be honest about something, overcome some struggle, …. before i felt ok about ending this life. I usually had to think for a while about all the things in my life and if they were all headed in a good direction before I felt i was ready to die.

Now I just think… of course I can die, well, aside from the feelings of my mother father brother, what else do I need to consider? My life is not even on the playing field of dealing with consequential matters — which is i guess the phase that I’m at in life. I have to build up to get to a place of eternal merit. Learning how to speak is ordinary and it certainly has been useful too. I’m just not used to being completely inconsequential.