I tell people that i am alone a lot, and I get a lot of pity. (which i don’t accept well at all)
I think that is because most people are afraid of being alone; not me.

I go to dinner with my notebook, my Lord and my thoughts.
Sometimes I do feel empty and cold and its really hard.
Usually these feelings stem from how I am perceived. Or because the doubts of worthlessness creep in.
But I know who I am. God made me, I love me. God loves me.
Being alone isn’t that bad. It just sounds bad because people don’t usually choose it.

It is MY choice, I put myself in these situations, I moved across the country, I sit by myself
To explore depth.
To explore feelings.
To explore life,
To explore God
without all the other stuff that keeps us busy and really has no point in itself. (not to say they are bad, but they are just means to later impact)

I have done the social fake friends thing, I’ve done the real friends thing, I’ve tried some of the ‘scene’ things. And ya, part of me wishes I didn’t pull back so much. Having good company and someone genuine to have dinner with is a blessing.

But I chose all of this, I chose to go off on my own, the ole ‘find myself’ thing applies I guess except for the fact I’m not in Spain blowing thousands looking at art and riding trains.

I’m growing up, I’m challenging myself by emptying out the seen and relying on the unseen.
It just so happens that if you don’t see the unseen it looks like I am poor.

But I am not poor, I am rich.